Several months ago, I read the book Growing Happy Kids by Maureen Healy. I’ve been meaning to post my ruminations for a while now. I posted some of the generals about how much I liked it on my book blog, but I’ve been trying to think about how to apply these things more directly to my own children. This post is really only going to touch on a very small part of this book. If it is interesting at all to you, I’d highly recommend you read the book.
Healy talks a lot about inner and outer confidence. Outer confidence is the fleeting kind. A confidence in the ability to play the piano well, which is lost when a hand is broken. Inner confidence is more lasting, the kind that knows your self worth is not solely dependent on your ability to play the piano. I’ve grown concerned about the fact that I lack that inner confidence on many levels. How can I teach it to my children? Healy says that’s okay, that it’s pretty normal, and that we can learn it together.
Here is my favorite thing about this book: she doesn’t just postulate on the importance of confidence for our children. She actually gives real life things you can do. This is how I’ve been able to set some goals for my own family. You need to know she has five building blocks of confidence. They build on and support each other. So my goals are laid out like this:
Biology – We do pretty well with all of these things. As far as the first building block goes, my Things are poised for success. Which is good. Because a tired, malnourished child is unlikely to feel confident about anything.
1. Feed the Things healthy, real food.
2. Make sure the Things get plenty of physical activity.
3. Make sure the Things consistently get adequate sleep.
Beliefs – I think some of this is happening without me thinking about it, but I think I need to put more purpose and intent behind it.
1. Healy talks about sharing a “spiritual tradition” with your child, whatever it may be. I’m raising the Things in the same belief system I was raised in. Even though I may struggle with it at times, I know that the community of it—and having a belief system in place to work with—has been beneficial to me. My goal is to continue to teach my children what I believe, and why I believe it. To give them something to believe in.
2. I’ve got to change my own self talk. I’ve been known to say things out loud like, “I’m such a jerk.” “I’m such an idiot.” etc. That’s got to stop. They will see themselves the way they perceive that I see myself.
3. I need to start doing a daily affirmation of sorts with my children. I remember once hearing Dr. Phil say that he used to end each day by telling his sons how lucky he felt to be their father, because they were so amazing. That is the kind of moment I’m talking about. Healy says this moment needs to be something that will allow the child to see himself as powerful and capable. And it needs to happen every day. I spend so much of the day scolding and correcting (necessarily), I need to remember to be uplifting too. I often will ask my Things, “Do you know that I love you?” and the answer is always affirmative. That’s a good start, but I need to do more.
Emotions – A lot of this will be more applicable as the Things get older, but I don’t think it is a mistake to start working on it now.
1. I need to provide opportunities for my Things to do the things that I know they do well. Giving them opportunities to succeed will help them to develop a sense of confidence that they can recognize.
2. Healy suggests doing yoga or balancing exercises to help children find a sense of peace and stillness. My Things are too young for this yet (they can’t possibly be asked to sit still) but I can begin working on it nonetheless. They do so love to join Husband and I when we are doing yoga. It would be an easy thing to do often, if I would just remember to include them.
3. Healy recommends talking to your children about their thoughts, and teaching them to have confident ones. No “I can’t”s or “That’s too hard.”s. Thing 1 rarely says things like this (Thing 2 – never) but I can correct it and talk to him about it when he does. I’m sure it will be more of an issue as they get older.
Social – I feel like this has a lot to do with how they interact with the world. That is, of course, the hardest thing to control and the finest line to walk. If you intervene too much, you’re doing more damage than if you don’t intervene enough. You have to step back and to allow them to learn the confidence of navigating the world on their own.
1. Teach self acceptance first. Healy recommends some positive self talk, something they can recite to themselves everyday. It should be something affirming that strengthens a sense of self worth. I need to come up with something easy and fun, that is age appropriate right now.
2. Surround your child with people that will be loving and kind. People that will be uplifting. I feel like this is the hardest, because I often have little control over it. But when I do, I take action. I will not let my children be around adults that will treat them poorly, or make them feel less than they really are. They can, and should, learn from their peers at some point that not everyone is nice because they need to know how to deal with that. But they are too young right now to be taught by adults that they are anything other than awesome.
3. I need to get the Things’ bedroom decorated awesome. Having a space of their own in our home matters. Since we just moved, it is a perfect time for me to get that in order.
Spiritual – This helps to create a sense of belonging, and I think we all know that matters.
1. Healy talks more here about a belief system, and mostly just the importance of believing in something greater than yourself. She encourages you to include your children in your belief system. Even atheists can teach their children about the power of being part of humanity. But whether it is that, Buddha, Jesus, the Universe… believing that we are a part of something awesome bolsters confidence. I believe God put us all on earth for a reason—that there is something he wants for us to accomplish for ourselves and others. Teaching my Things this will give them a sense of confidence about their own lives.
2. Phrase this however you need to for your belief system—Healy says to teach your children that whatever greater power you believe in, is IN them too. For me this goal is about teaching my Things that they are Sons of God, that he is their Heavenly Father, and as such they have inherited some of His divine traits.
3.Healy says to create a daily spiritual practice as a family. Husband and I have set a goal to make sure we pray with as a family everyday. We always pray over meal times, but that falls short of what Healy is saying here. We need to do something better with this. Which is why I’ve made it a goal.
Something that has always helped me to feel more confident is having a list, which is why I’ve written all of this up. My plan is to reread this book every few years so that I can retarget my goals to my Things’ needs.
I finally read 
I’m in the throws of some pretty nasty eczema, and so whipped this stuff up a few days ago. To be fair, it doesn’t do a whole lot for eczema other than sooth. To cure eczema you need to know what is causing it, and for each individual that could be 1,001 different things. You can sooth one spot and make it go away, but five others flare up in its place. If you deal with eczema, you know what I mean. Either way, this stuff is great for soothing burning itchiness that often accompanies crazy flare ups, while you’re dealing whatever issue is causing it.
